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Pain... or Someone's a little grumpy...
Apr. 24th, 2003 04:34 pmSo, I'm sitting over here thinking about how I really ought to update my journal more often. But at the same time I don't always really know what I want to say.
At the moment I'm in pain. Simple enough really, have a major headache that's threatening to turn into a migraine. I'm trying to talk it out of doing that, neither one of us will be happy with a migraine. Standard cures aren't working, and since I'm STILL unemployed I don't have medical insurance- and without medical insurance I can't get my migraine meds. Now my roomie is on the same meds I am, and has offered some of her pills to me- but at the moment that particular prescription needs filling. I offered to pay to have it filled, since I took all the last batch, it seemed only fair. But let's go back to this 'I'm unemployed' statement. This means that I have a LOT less cash on hand than I used to. Granted, I got a nice tax refund, but that all went to paying various bills and was trickled away. So at this point, it's a struggle to make ends meet, I can't afford the $25 (or whatever ridiculous price) for the prescription. So I guess I'll just suffer. Heh, I could say I would suffer quietly, but that's not like me, I like to get in a good whine from time to time.
This brings me to prescriptions... and the lack of decent medical insurance coverage- and even moreso the growing number of companies who don't offer health insurance. This is just ridiculous. CEO salaries continue to rise while it's our hard work that's making them money. There's no reason for me not to have a job- and believe me, I'm looking- and a job with benefits. Studies have shown (I'd have to look to get exact references) that Americans are the hardest working group of people in the world (so much for the notion that we're all lazy) and given our GNP- we shouldn't have to work 40 hours a week. We should be able to get paid the same amount to work 30 hours or so. This sounds good to me. But then again, the people making the rules don't ask me about these things.
I'm just highly annoyed- being in pain tends to bring that out in me. How many people out there don't have medical insurance? How many serious illnesses or problems would have been a lot LESS serious if they had been treated early? I'm not sure what the purpose of this pseudo-rant is for, just bitching about the current state of health care in this country. Or lack there of. When will the country figure out that something with the health system is wrong when doctors walk off the job because they can't afford to pay for malpractice insurance? When are people going to realize that penalizing doctors for the non-success of a highly risky surgery isn't likely to make any surgeons want to try that particular for of surgery.
It's endemic in this country to want someone to blame. It matter what the situation is- someone else has to be at fault. If you're in a car accident it's not because you weren't paying attention- it's because the other guy wasn't. If your loved one is dying and a surgeon performs a very risky (and tells you the risks) surgery that fails- then it's his fault your loved one died and not the simple fact that they were going to ANYWAY! If you're hurting it's someone else's fault. It has to be. Americans, and hell humans in general, can't be expected to own their behaviors, to own their emotions. Are you out of your mind?
Gee, wanting people to realize that they are responsible for themselves, that the way they feel is NOT always the fault of someone else- but is their reaction to that behavior. I get so tired of hearing nothing but complaints about the world, about people. What's so wrong with trying to see the positive side of things? What's so god damn wrong with wanting to be happy? Apparently, contrary to what I think- there is something wrong. Especially when you're constantly told that your happiness is at the expense of someone else. The person may not be telling you this to make you feel guilty, and I know that my guilt-complex is a bit too strong I feel guilty without really needing to sometimes, they just want you to know. To blame you for the fact that they're unhappy.
This is going way off course, but let's just go with it shall we children? Okay, so we're not actually allowed to be happy. And if an individual has one thing going well for them- watch out for the rest cause it's going to hell. So you have a great romantic relationship (in my case) but at the same time you find yourself fired from a job you didn't like anyway, and then thanks to the wonderful Dubya and a horrid economy can't find another job. Like this isn't bad enough- add in problems with a roomie that you really care about- but who still has problems with the romantic relationship you're embarking upon. You and she have talked it over and over and over, and yet you still feel guilty for daring to be happy.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of hearing nothing but woe and complaints and hearing about how the world is crap. I'm tired of every sunshiney day being overshadowed by dark clouds- especially when they're not mine! I'm tired. I'm tired of the past constantly cropping up and being used as an excuse for the present. I'm tired of people being so selfish- and then turning around and making me feel like shit when I behave the same way. I'm tired of being expected to chose between one or the other when no choice is necessary. I'm tired of being told that I've gained and the other lost when we both lost. I'm tired of being told that I'm gaining at another's expense- when it's not true. I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired of feeling like I have to sneak gifts from my boyfriend in because I don't want to deal with the roommate's reaction. I don't want to deal with the silence, I don't want to deal with the wave of negativity. I just want someone to be happy for me. I want someone to do what I do so often- I want them to put me ahead of themselves (if only in their thoughts), think about what's good for me and not just about themselves. To not want to break my good mood (hell to notice my good mood and strive to join me there instead of bringing me down with them). I want a 'girlfriend' like I see on tv, someone I can talk to about my boyfriend, someone who can ooh and aah with me, someone who can tell me how lucky I am without that bitter edge to their voice. Someone to talk to. Is that really so much to ask?
Apparently it is. And it breaks my heart. I don't want all that much from the world. I just want to be allowed to be happy. But even in that I guess I have to pick which aspects of my life matter most and by that determine which bits will be good. So maybe I'll never have a decent job, maybe I'll never have that best friend that I see on tv- I do have a best friend and while she has Issues, she still manages to be there for me when I really need her, and I have my boyfriend. Somehow I guess I'll make that work, make that be enough. It's makes me very sad- but what else can I do?
Guess that's why Americans are guaranteed the 'pursuit of happiness' not actually getting it. Well, the tears that have started are making the headache worse, so I think we'll go away now.
At the moment I'm in pain. Simple enough really, have a major headache that's threatening to turn into a migraine. I'm trying to talk it out of doing that, neither one of us will be happy with a migraine. Standard cures aren't working, and since I'm STILL unemployed I don't have medical insurance- and without medical insurance I can't get my migraine meds. Now my roomie is on the same meds I am, and has offered some of her pills to me- but at the moment that particular prescription needs filling. I offered to pay to have it filled, since I took all the last batch, it seemed only fair. But let's go back to this 'I'm unemployed' statement. This means that I have a LOT less cash on hand than I used to. Granted, I got a nice tax refund, but that all went to paying various bills and was trickled away. So at this point, it's a struggle to make ends meet, I can't afford the $25 (or whatever ridiculous price) for the prescription. So I guess I'll just suffer. Heh, I could say I would suffer quietly, but that's not like me, I like to get in a good whine from time to time.
This brings me to prescriptions... and the lack of decent medical insurance coverage- and even moreso the growing number of companies who don't offer health insurance. This is just ridiculous. CEO salaries continue to rise while it's our hard work that's making them money. There's no reason for me not to have a job- and believe me, I'm looking- and a job with benefits. Studies have shown (I'd have to look to get exact references) that Americans are the hardest working group of people in the world (so much for the notion that we're all lazy) and given our GNP- we shouldn't have to work 40 hours a week. We should be able to get paid the same amount to work 30 hours or so. This sounds good to me. But then again, the people making the rules don't ask me about these things.
I'm just highly annoyed- being in pain tends to bring that out in me. How many people out there don't have medical insurance? How many serious illnesses or problems would have been a lot LESS serious if they had been treated early? I'm not sure what the purpose of this pseudo-rant is for, just bitching about the current state of health care in this country. Or lack there of. When will the country figure out that something with the health system is wrong when doctors walk off the job because they can't afford to pay for malpractice insurance? When are people going to realize that penalizing doctors for the non-success of a highly risky surgery isn't likely to make any surgeons want to try that particular for of surgery.
It's endemic in this country to want someone to blame. It matter what the situation is- someone else has to be at fault. If you're in a car accident it's not because you weren't paying attention- it's because the other guy wasn't. If your loved one is dying and a surgeon performs a very risky (and tells you the risks) surgery that fails- then it's his fault your loved one died and not the simple fact that they were going to ANYWAY! If you're hurting it's someone else's fault. It has to be. Americans, and hell humans in general, can't be expected to own their behaviors, to own their emotions. Are you out of your mind?
Gee, wanting people to realize that they are responsible for themselves, that the way they feel is NOT always the fault of someone else- but is their reaction to that behavior. I get so tired of hearing nothing but complaints about the world, about people. What's so wrong with trying to see the positive side of things? What's so god damn wrong with wanting to be happy? Apparently, contrary to what I think- there is something wrong. Especially when you're constantly told that your happiness is at the expense of someone else. The person may not be telling you this to make you feel guilty, and I know that my guilt-complex is a bit too strong I feel guilty without really needing to sometimes, they just want you to know. To blame you for the fact that they're unhappy.
This is going way off course, but let's just go with it shall we children? Okay, so we're not actually allowed to be happy. And if an individual has one thing going well for them- watch out for the rest cause it's going to hell. So you have a great romantic relationship (in my case) but at the same time you find yourself fired from a job you didn't like anyway, and then thanks to the wonderful Dubya and a horrid economy can't find another job. Like this isn't bad enough- add in problems with a roomie that you really care about- but who still has problems with the romantic relationship you're embarking upon. You and she have talked it over and over and over, and yet you still feel guilty for daring to be happy.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of hearing nothing but woe and complaints and hearing about how the world is crap. I'm tired of every sunshiney day being overshadowed by dark clouds- especially when they're not mine! I'm tired. I'm tired of the past constantly cropping up and being used as an excuse for the present. I'm tired of people being so selfish- and then turning around and making me feel like shit when I behave the same way. I'm tired of being expected to chose between one or the other when no choice is necessary. I'm tired of being told that I've gained and the other lost when we both lost. I'm tired of being told that I'm gaining at another's expense- when it's not true. I'm tired of feeling bad, I'm tired of feeling like I have to sneak gifts from my boyfriend in because I don't want to deal with the roommate's reaction. I don't want to deal with the silence, I don't want to deal with the wave of negativity. I just want someone to be happy for me. I want someone to do what I do so often- I want them to put me ahead of themselves (if only in their thoughts), think about what's good for me and not just about themselves. To not want to break my good mood (hell to notice my good mood and strive to join me there instead of bringing me down with them). I want a 'girlfriend' like I see on tv, someone I can talk to about my boyfriend, someone who can ooh and aah with me, someone who can tell me how lucky I am without that bitter edge to their voice. Someone to talk to. Is that really so much to ask?
Apparently it is. And it breaks my heart. I don't want all that much from the world. I just want to be allowed to be happy. But even in that I guess I have to pick which aspects of my life matter most and by that determine which bits will be good. So maybe I'll never have a decent job, maybe I'll never have that best friend that I see on tv- I do have a best friend and while she has Issues, she still manages to be there for me when I really need her, and I have my boyfriend. Somehow I guess I'll make that work, make that be enough. It's makes me very sad- but what else can I do?
Guess that's why Americans are guaranteed the 'pursuit of happiness' not actually getting it. Well, the tears that have started are making the headache worse, so I think we'll go away now.
