jadecat | Standing Still (Reply)

At the moment I do kind of feel that I'm standing still. My life is going by- and I'm just here, not really doing anything. Sure, I have accomplishments and some goals taken care of- I have a bachelors degree, I'm married, and I have a great support network in friends and family. Also I am working on eating much more healthily and have been pretty good about sticking to an exercise routine. So those are the pluses. In general- I'm happy with my life.

However, I seem to be missing a critical drive element- I don't really want to do anything with myself.

When I was 9 years old I taught myself how to type by simply doing so- I was writing stories on the Apple IIe that we had, my first computer ever. I would sit at that computer, headphones connecting me to the huge stereo my dad insisted we get, and would pound on the keys - creating my worlds. Some of the ideas may even have had merit. Some were blatant rip offs of whatever I had been reading at the time. Throughout high school I would write, mostly on that same computer. I still have a lot of the print outs, and while I groan and shake my head at the writing, it's not all complete trash. I always said I wanted to be a published writer. Here I am at 31 and I have very little idea how to go about accomplishing that. Of course, having a completed novel might aid in the actually getting published bit. Yet I have no idea how it all works, and I'm not even sure where to start looking.

Writing aside, I don't really have a clear drive towards one particular career field. I know of all these people who are rather successful and know just what they want and how to get there. The how to get there part is always where I got lost. I keep talking about trying to get into a Masters program so that I can work in an archive or a library- but I'm not sure I would even be accepted. My undergraduate grades were not stellar (the lack of wanting to work thing, or to do anything extra), and I don't have a clue as to who to even approach for something like a recommendation. So I don't know how to go about doing that, other than trying to take classes at LCC or some place similar- but that's not really an option right now financially.

More generally, I find there are often times where I'm internally arguing because when I get home after work I want to go out and do things (apparently people do this, I've read about it) and the other half of me wants to just plop down on the couch and cross stitch and do nothing else (well, have the tv on. ;) ). That said, I'm rather surprised that this exercise thing is going as well as it is. There really is something to be said for not thinking about it and just changing right into work out gear when I get home from work. It's just a constant want to/don't want to battle going on. Usually 'don't want to' wins. Has for quite some time.

I guess I just feel that I should be getting more things done. Keeping the apartment, which is fairly neat, even neater could be a good start. I just want to have the energy to do more, yet I don't know where to find it. Not being so lazy would be nice I think.

Somehow have a job that requires very little of my thought and attention isn't the positive I thought it might be. I really like the people I work with, and the atmosphere/bennies are great. It's the actual work that's an issue. I should have time to perhaps be creative- and maybe write something. Just seems hard to wrap oneself up in the imagined world and then constantly go back and forth to the real world. Perhaps it's doable though. I just feel like my creativity in that area is drained. And I don't like that feeling.

What does all this boil down to- at the moment I feel like I am wasting opportunities, and that I'm being way too passive as far was what I'm doing with myself. So I have more to ponder, and to do. There was more I wanted to say on this, but it seems to have wandered out my ear somewhere. Ah well.